Skies are looking clear for frequent flyers with a love for sharing armrests and sharing too much information with strangers. In a press release this morning, Spirit Airlines announced it is coming out with a new aircraft with only middle seats to better accommodate weirdo passengers.
“Spirit Airlines is all about making people feel as comfortable or uncomfortable as they want to be while they hurl through the air at upwards of 500 miles per hour,” said Robert Fornaro, CEO of Spirit Airlines. “It’s not fair when only one in every three passengers gets the middle seat.”
This change comes after over a decade of increasing weirdos aboard Spirit Airline flights. An influx of customer feedback regarding “unapologetically chatty,” “spatially unaware,” and “excessively personal" passengers aboard flights encouraged Fornaro’s decision to create the perfect environment for weirdos to spread their wings and fly.
The plane’s unique middle-seat-only technology allows for never-ending conversation, with people on either side and directly across from each passenger. It will span roughly the length of a football feild with 223 seats lining the interior walls of the plane and a slightly curved row of chairs cutting through the aisle at the front and back of the aircraft, creating an squashed oval shape.
In addition to its custom design, this middle-seat-exclusive air tube has it’s own set of passenger rules and regulations. Before the plane can take off, all passengers must stow their personal carry-on items and participate in a mandatory name game icebreaker. No headphones, laptops, tablets, cellphones, or other electronic devices are allowed on-board the aircraft. As an additional feature, an alarm will sound every 12 minutes in order to wake up any passengers that may have accidentally drifted to sleep.
While many feel hopeful entering this brave new world of air travel, others are uneasy in the face of change.
“This plane is just a mess,” said Eric Sampson, a flight attendant for Spirit Airlines. “Seriously, someone explain to me how I am supposed to serve drinks.”
a short play based on the human condition
Hey! How's it going?
Well, it's going! Hahah.
Hahaha! I feel you there!
So, I wanted to...
Okay, good! Cause like I didn't want to...
Oh god, of course not.
You know? Okay good!
I know it was totally not intentional.
No, no, no. Yeah! You know I would never...
Never! Of course.
But I do think you were a little bit...
No, go ahead.
You know, sort of like...
Yeah, no. I mean I could see where you would get that vibe, but like..
No, no, yeah. Of course. I just was a little like, i don't know. You know?
I mean, yeah. I get it. I just didn't think it was really like that though.
Right right. Well that's just how I felt, you know?
Yeah, totally! Yeah, it's just my opinion though that it was sort of whatever.. So.
I feel much better.
I'm glad we talked that out.
Ever been asked the age old question:
If you could have coffee with any famous person (past or present) who would it be?
Well, I have. And although this is supposedly an "opinion question," I would venture to say there is only one correct answer:
Kevin George Knifing, better known by his stage name, Kevin James.
My questions would read as followed:
1. How do you keep in peak physical condition? I notice that in your movies, particularly Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, you're able to perform astonishing physical feats without any trouble. Falling, tripping, slipping, falling. How, Kevin? How?!
2. What's your martial status? Google, among other sources, seems to believe you're married to one "Steffiana De La Cruz," but I just don't see how that can be. Why would one of the most eligible bachelors in Hollywood tie himself down? And the whole "happily married since 2004 with four kids" thing just doesn't seem right. Call me a skeptic, but I'm calling your bluff!
3. Were you in fact The King of Queens? If so, what does that role entail? Were you the king of all Queens, including monarchial Queens? Were you born into this power or was it bestowed upon you? Do you have a scribe? If not, would you consider hiring me for the position? Thank you for your consideration.
4. What's next for you, Kev? As far as acting is concerned, you've done it all. Rumor has it, you're considering a career as a magician or singer/songwriter in the near future. Confirm or deny!
5. What does it feel like to be an America icon? When people think America they think Statue of Liberty, Abraham Lincoln, Slurpees and, of course, Kevin James! Does the pressure ever get to you?
I've reached out to Mr.s James' manager about setting up a brunch date. *fingers crossed!!!!*
Ever find yourself thinking, "Erotica these days is so classless!" or "Gross! What is this dirty, dirty book?!"
What if I told you there's a way to write tasteful erotica in just a few easy steps?
There's a way to write tasteful eroctica in a few easy steps.
Step 1: Never refer to sex organs by their actual name. Use the word "privates" or "private parts" exclusively.
Step 2: Never touch or look at anyone's private parts, just assume they are there.
Ex: "I knew he had privates."
Step 3: Be incredibly descriptive about your partner's attire. (Pro Tip- Think about something your weird neighbor would wear. )
Ex: "A polyester/lycra blend shorts and Skechers--the Velcro kind."
Step 4: Create a simile using your partner and a standard household object.
Ex: "He was like a paperweight."
Step 5: Describe the household object you've chosen."
Ex: "Paperweights are stoic and lifeless."
Step 6: Pick a mythical creature for yourself and talk about the powers you possess.
Ex: "I'm a unicorn who casts spells."
Step 7: Combine your writing from each step and crank up the AC because your life is about to get steamy.
When you're finished with this step-by-step program, you'll have tasteful erotica that reads a little something like this:
I knew he had privates under his polyester/lyrca blend shorts.
He wore Skechers--the Velcro Kind.
He was a paperweight--stoic and lifeless
under the power of my unicorn spell.
Tasteful. To the point. And above all, erotic.
Repeat steps 1-6 until your ready to publish!
Best of luck!
Things I Learned While Playing Sharpay in a Middle School Production of High School Musical the Musical
When you're 12 going on 13 and you're cast as Sharpay Evans in High School Musical the Musical, you grow up pretty fast. I don't want to say that playing this prestigious role put the weight of the world on my tiny little hunchback shoulders, but I don't not want to say it. I know what you're thinking:
"Why would a bunch of middle schoolers perform something called High School Musical when they're in... middle school?"
That is a fine question--a fine question for which we may never know the answer. But nevertheless, the show went on.
The first thing I learned during my time as Sharpay Evans was that when your middle school peers point and laugh at you during the student showing of the production, their doing it because they think you're cool and fun! At first I was like, "Hey! That's mean. Why are these kids making fun of me for singing a song about bopping to the top?" But then, the smarter part of me was like, "Wait! They're clearly laughing because I've mastered Sharpay's persona and witty disposition! I'm a star." You see, popularity works like this.
Step 1: Ask yourself, "Am I currently a lead in a musical?"
Step 2: If your answer to Step 1 is "Yes," congratulations you're popular.
It's a simple as that. Drama kids reign supreme over the social hierarchy of almost any institution.
I was pretty intense about the show. I wanted it to run smoothly and look super professional as any middle school performance should. Yes, I would yell at my peers to get their crap together. And yes, I would often cry back stage when people messed up their lines or whatever. But that's what made me the most likable person in the cast! I learned that people love to work with someone who's controlling, overly sensitive and incredibly intense. That's why people never invited me to cast parties or anything! They were like, "Oh my gosh! Ashley is so fun. She'll love it if we mess with her and pretend like we forgot to invite her to this party! She's a jokester!" And of course I was like, "Very funny, you guys! I still found out where the party was from our costume mom, Debbie. So jokes on you!" Then we would do this whole hilarious where the cast would pretend to be mad that I was there and not talk to me or even look at me. Classic! It was such a riot.
Perhaps the most important lesson I learned during my musical theater career was that people always want to hear you sing and watch you dance. Even when someone says something like, "No, seriously. I don't want to listen to you sing your solo anymore," or "I begging you to please stop showing the progress you've made on your jazz squares," they really do want to. They're saying those things because they want to you to conserve your talent for the performances and because they're embarrassed by how badly they want to observe you in your element. Always ask people if you can sing/dance for them and never take no for an answer. Sometimes, people will be so moved by your craft that they will literally move. They will just get up and walk away while you're doing your thing because they don't even know how to cope with the awesome that's flowing out of your body.
And remember, when they point and laugh or tell you you're "a crazy, bossy witch that freaks everyone out," you're doing it right.
I regret nothing.
1. Refer to yourself as "quirky" or "awkward" multiple times a day while shrugging your shoulders. Oh man, they'll hate it.
Something like, "I'm 3/4 cup coffee, 1/4 cup quirk!!!" *shoulder shrug*
2. Ask people if they're still broken up with their ex. Of course they are. And it's gonna be a sore subject for about 6 months.
"Are you and your ex still broken up like you were last month?"
3. Tell people they look super tired and ask if they've been crying. Then escalate to combat wounds and things of that nature.
"Oh my goodness. Are you okay? You look like you've been crying or got punched in the face or something. Maybe you're just tired?"
4. Warn people of things that aren't a big deal at all. Be foreboding and haunting.
"No, no. You should definitely try that new Chinese takeout place. Just be careful, that's all!"
5. Never use the same laugh. Keep it funky and out of control. Then defend that laugh as your one and only.
"What?! I always snort and then cough up blood when I laugh!"
6. Call yourself a ridiculous name and then refer to yourself in third person exclusively.
"Welp, Diva needs a snack. Anyone want anything while Diva's up?"
7. Correct people incorrectly and often.
"Sriracha? I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure it's pronounced sure-crunch-kah."
8. Call all your female friends "girly twirlies" and all your guy friends "Steve-o." Who's Steve-o? I don't know. And he won't either.
"Hey girly twirly! Wasshappenin' Steve-o?!" *finger guns*
9. Be super passive aggressive about your friend's pets. Act like you're too good for the species as a whole.
"No, no. It's a... cute guinea pig. Just... different than what I was expecting I guess."
10. Come up with your own catchphrase and try to force it on people. Always remember to go in for the high five after.
(Pro Tip: Make sure the phrase isn't catchy!.)
"Soul Patrol!" -Taylor Hicks, America Idol Season 5
It's a playful phrase--one used to express extreme love and intense loyalty between comrades. But unless you and your bestie have a cameo in one of the too many Fast and Furious movies, I actually have no clue what you're talking about.
Seriously, let's take a second and break this down. What could calling someone your "ride or die" really mean. How did this phrase come to be? I have no theories nor do I care to research it's origins.
This popular expression places an intense ultimatum on a relationship of any kind.
"We shall ride or we shall die. There's no other option as far as this partnership goes."
This leads me to my first question:
Ride what exactly? Or is the partner the actually mode of transportation as when saying, "She's/He's my ride or die." And if I can't answer this first question, the second portion of the phrase certainly makes no sense. If I don't know what I'm trying to ride in/on or who/what my ride is, then I guess I'm going to have to take the die option and that's no fair.
I guess what I'm trying to say is a real friend should never force you to choose between riding some unknown entity or dying. That's not cool and peer pressure is no way to nature a relationship.
Guys, here's the thing.
Babies are complete morons. They just are.
You don't have to be all offended by it or think too much into it. I'm just tired of everyone ignoring this epidemic in our nation. Nay... world.
Babies can't do anything. They have no skills whatsoever. And, as stated before, they're terribly stupid.
Did you know the average baby can't really talk? That's millions of babies!!! Why is this not being addressed?
How are we supposed to live our lives with needy babies lurking around every corner? And this is what really gets me about the whole thing: The baby wants to be fed, so you feed it a spoonful of mushy food cause GOD FORBID it do something for itself for a change. You put the spoon its mouth and it only eats about half of what's on the spoon forcing the rest of the spoon's contents to go all over the baby's dumb face. So you scoop it off their face and put the spoon back in their mouth. And guess what??? It only eats half of the spoon's contents again!! How many times are we supposed to try to feed a baby before we're just being taken advantage of?
And we KEEP CATERING to them. If I pooped myself, I can promise you that no one would come over to console me, confiscate my soiled slacks, powder my bum and dress me in fine linens. So, I ask you, why are we allowing babies to get away with this kind of free-loading garbage?? Babies are the foolish ones, yet we allow ourselves to be duped over and over again.
Babies--so dumb at such a young age. It's like, "Excuse me! Please don't eat dirt! Thanks!" Why would anyone eat dirt!? I don't know. Ask a baby. Any baby. But don't expect an answer. They can't even form complete sentences! My six-year-old cousin can say more words than these freaking babies. Absolutely ludicrous I tell you.
Please educate yourself and others on the idiocracy of babies in today's world. It's time to hold babies accountable for their actions.